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First Impressions Don’t Always Count

(The Prelude)

Guthmiller, Keith, 1965-

ISBN 978-0-9868573-4-8

copyright © 2019 Keith Guthmiller

This book is dedicated to all of the people who don't have to be alone.

Thank you.

You can achieve all of your dreams

when you truly believe in yourself.

Books in this series:

First Impressions Don’t Always Count (The Prelude)

First Impressions Don’t Always Count (The Journey Begins)

First Impressions Don’t Always Count (The Journey Continues)

First Impressions Don’t Always Count (The Journey Ends, But The Path Beckons)

Table of Contents

PRELUDE TO A PRELUDE

FINALLY, OUT OF THE FIRE...I THINK

IT CAN’T BE THAT HARD!

I GUESS PORN ISN’T ALL BAD

YOU’VE GOT A WHAT???

GOTTA GET ONLINE

EVERY GOOD PARTY HAS TO HAVE A THEME

DANCING CAN’T BE THIS EASY

YOU THINK I’M WHAT?

I’M A PLAYA

SOMETIMES IT HAS TO END

PRELUDE TO A PRELUDE

Prelude; every book needs one. But prelude is just a fancy-pants word for the thing that comes before, an introduction. It might add more sophistication to something such as a symphony, or create scary and thrilling sensations like a prelude to a murder. It really depends on the context but the only things that are going to be murdered in this book are the English language, grammar, spelling, punctuation, style, and your belief that I'm a good author. Besides, murdering someone in a dating guide just isn’t right. There are no chapters on how to deal with this nor do I know how to write one. Not that I even would...

First Impressions Don't Always Count (The Prelude) is a prelude because it is the thing which comes before although it's not the first book to be written in the series. After having published First Impressions Don't Always Count (The Journey Begins) something needed to be written to introduce the main character to the world so I had to come up with something. Something free.

The world has changed a lot because of the internet, especially with writing. Every person has a story inside of them and they can now share it with anyone they want to. Some do it for free and some do it to get paid. (Almost sounds like sex, doesn't it?) I'm in the I'd-like-to-get-paid camp because with the money there are projects for helping others I'd like to complete. Still, to compete and survive, something free should be offered and this is where this book comes in. Not just to give something away but also to give you an idea of what to look forward to.

This short book (it's definitely not novel length!) is an introduction to the main character in the First Impressions Don't Always Count series. It’s always nice to know a little about our characters but how can a back story be created without revealing too much? That’s the tricky part. Hopefully this prelude will show you just enough and hopefully you'll enjoy reading as much as I've enjoyed writing.

But if you don't then too bad. At least you didn't have to waste your valuable time washing dishes.

You’re welcome. Dishes are evil.

And since I’ve helped you avoid one of the most nauseating chores known to humankind you owe me in a very big way. But don't worry I won't collect, because that's just the kind of awesome guy I am.

You're welcome again.

Now that you've realized what a serious obligation you owe me how about we stop talking and dive in to learn about how NOT to live life! After all we all could probably use a little bit of help in that department.

Enjoy your story.

FINALLY, OUT OF THE FIRE...I THINK

I made it, not sure how but I made it. I don't have much but at least my sanity is intact. Well I think it is anyway. There's a little cash in my pocket and hopefully I can start over again.

But not like what I just got out of, there’s no way I’m going through that again. This time I’m going to do it right, especially with what I know.

Six years ago with a new city giving me a new start I was determined to do everything right. Starting over clean and fresh with a positive attitude was also exciting and I was on top of the world. The drinking was going to be under control, drugs were going to disappear from my life, I was going to find a new job, become responsible, and meet someone to settle down with. I was going to be a real person.

Isn't it amazing how optimistic we can be when we don’t know the future?

And why does optimism make people so stupid, especially me? The reality I followed wasn’t something I had prepared for or imagined.

Things were going great in the beginning. My life was moving in the direction I had hoped.

Then I found the wrong person.

But not the wrong person at the time. I guess the saying that you shouldn't meet your future spouse in a bar is pretty close to telling the truth.

Where else was I going to meet her? After all the bar is where I meet a lot of people. Everyone is just out for a good time so you would think that it would be common ground. And if you're a friendly, happy person while drunk shouldn't that mean you're a friendly happy person while sober too? Isn't drinking supposed to bring out the person you really are inside? Sure, tempers can flare but that's the booze talking. It's just a part of the package.

I'm a happy, fun drunk, because that's the person who I really am inside. When I'm sober I'm a little shy so the alcohol helps to get my tongue moving.

So what's wrong with that? Nothing! It helps people (and especially me) become more open and free about themselves. It's hard to hide who you truly are after a few drinks. So I thought other people were like this too.

But somehow all of these assumptions were wrong about her even though she was open, fun, flirty, and a good person to be with. We did so much together and it wasn't always drinking. Sure, we fought sometimes but all people do when they are starting a life together and figuring things out. So I thought that we had worked out our differences and we got married.

That's when things started to go horribly wrong.

I have no idea how someone could change so quickly...

She changed. Boy, did she change. Suddenly no matter what I did it wasn't good enough. I worked a lot of overtime to buy her the things she wanted because she just didn't want what everyone else had, she had to have better. It was tough going but we were married and I had promised to take care of her, and I keep my word. So I worked even harder and still my money seemed to flow out and never come back. It still wasn't good enough.

To top it off she hated my friends and I don't know why because they treated her very well. But no matter what they did they just weren't good enough and she told them so. Pretty soon my friends were only tolerating her because I asked them to. I told them that it was just the change of being married that was probably causing her to act this way and given a little time it'll all work out.

They didn't believe me. And maybe somewhere inside I didn't believe me either.

But I had to keep on trying to make things work and couldn't lose my friends. Without them I would have gone insane but at the time I didn't know that. So my wife and I would go out, she'd say something, and I'd be apologizing for her. The only time that didn't happen was when she was drunk, then she was fun to be around. Going out to places with alcohol became a safe thing to do. It's amazing how people will try to make things work and ignore what is really going on. It's a good thing we didn't have kids like she wanted or it would have been a nightmare.

Anyway, I thought she had a confidence issue and that's why she always had to have expensive things so I started hiding money from my paycheque, not to keep it from her, but to help her. Once there was enough I put down a down payment on a house. It had three suites, one in the basement, one on the main floor, and one on the second. Not only were these suites going to pay the mortgage but they were also going to put money in our pockets as well.

I finally showed her the house, I was really excited, and I thought that she was going to be happy. She was going to be a landlord, have extra money coming in, and she could hold her head high. Boy, was I wrong! The fight started and she started yelling and yelling and yelling. She wanted to know how I could be so stupid as to waste money on a house like that when there were better houses to live in. And where did the money come from? No matter how hard I tried to explain she just kept screaming and screaming. Finally I told her she can come or she can go but I'm moving into the house and started packing. Even the basement suite was bigger than our apartment so I couldn't see how it was a stupid thing. She thought it was a bluff but quickly realized I was serious and yelled some more but we moved into the basement.

Yes, moving into the basement was another fight but if we had lived on the main floor we would have lost a lot of money and like I said before the basement suite was bigger than our apartment. We were living rent free and earning money as well. That seemed like a win-win to me but to her I was nothing more than a moron.

With my job as a manager in a very popular and expensive nightclub and with the extra rent money coming in the house would have been paid off in five years. Then we could have either sold it or used it as collateral to buy a better one. The owner of the nightclub was even hinting that at some point he would like to retire and if I wanted to buy the place he would give me a really good deal since he liked me. I knew his books and the place was a goldmine. Yes, in five years my wife could have had anything she wanted.

But it wasn't to be. For two years it was constant fight, fight, fight, almost every day, and the stress took its toll. Working in a nightclub I had access to free booze and pretty soon there were many nights I came home plastered because I didn't want to face what was coming.

Night after night, day after day, I lost myself in alcohol. But never while working. The owner knew what was going on and told me if I ever started drinking while working I was done. He was my friend but he was also a businessman and knew when to let go of a bad thing. I promised him that I would never drink while on duty and never did although there were days it was pretty tempting. We had a lot of talks together and he started suggesting divorce. I told him that wasn't possible because marriage is supposed to be forever. He said that it should be but forever only lasts for so long, just ask his third wife. That got a chuckle out of us both and I told him thanks but I have to keep on trying. He said that is why he was willing to offer me the nightclub a lot cheaper than he would to others because I never wanted to give up no matter the circumstances. He had built that place from the ground up and wanted it to go into good hands and if it was necessary he would even finance me.

Yeah, I was getting a sweetheart deal and truthfully I was really looking forward to it. My life was moving towards a very bright future and that thought kept me going, some days stopping my hand reaching for a bottle.

But the day finally came when alcohol and delusions couldn't hide the truth. There was no way my wife and I were going to be forever. The fights escalated and it became obvious that if they continued physical violence was soon to become the norm and I just couldn't bear the thought of that. I was raised never to hit a woman but I could see that she didn't think the same way. There were days she would get ready to slap me and then stop but it was becoming harder and harder for her to hold back. Her words and voice became more and more violent and pretty soon we couldn't rent out the main floor because of our yelling. Tenants didn't want to hear the constant fighting and they moved out just as quickly as they moved in.

Money became tighter and pretty soon I was working seven days a week just to keep our heads above water.

It also kept me from being at home. Which I probably secretly wanted anyway.

But whenever I wasn't home she would invite her friends over and they would just sit around and badmouth me. I found this out from a tenant who was moving out and wanted me to know what was going on.

But you know something? I never talked bad about her to other people. In fact I would defend her if someone made a disparaging remark. After all she was my love, my life, and I had to protect her.

Still, a person can only take so much. I remember the day so clearly when I finally made the decision. We were in the midst of another fight and she was telling me how useless I was when she raised her hand in a fist and from the look in her eye I knew she had finally broken though and was going to swing. I shut my mouth, grabbed my jacket, and left the house.

The lawyer said that because of the witnesses and the abuse she had heaped I didn't have to give her anything but I was tired of fighting. I gave her the house, the car, all of the bank account except for $3000, and bought a bus ticket to anywhere else.

Haven't heard from her since but I did find out through the grapevine that she quickly lost the house because she couldn't afford the mortgage payments and couldn't keep any tenants. The night club was sold to someone else and is still going strong.

Oh, and the divorce was never contested. She thought that she was smarter than me.

But that was then and this is now.

I've travelled a bit (it's amazing how you can stretch a few thousand dollars when you have to) but now I'm done and I'm going to start over in this place. There's still a $1000 in my pocket, a really good letter of recommendation from my old boss, and the knowledge that I am a survivor, no matter what gets thrown my way.

But I'm scared to get back into a relationship. I don't want to be hurt like that again and it's going to take some time to heal. Plus I really cut down on the drinking. Not because it makes sense but because it's a survival instinct. I don't need to meet someone like my wife again and I need a clear head about me.

Maybe one day I'll start dating again but right now I'm just going to start my life over and this time I'm going to do it right.

IT CAN’T BE THAT HARD!

Well, here I am. Single again.

...and really, really stupid.

About six months into my new start I found Vanessa, a very nice woman, and we began seeing each other almost every day for six months. Things were so good between us that we were going to move in together, and then for some incredibly stupid reason my mouth had to start moving in the wrong direction.

We had just finished making love and she was all snuggled into me when she started talking about our future together. That wasn't so bad but she also talked about the possibility of marriage.

I freaked. Not on the outside but way down on the inside.

Of course it's natural to talk about these things but something just came over me and I pulled away from her. I had never mentioned my marriage or divorce to her and didn't want to. She asked what was wrong and I tried to lighten the mood by saying it wasn't her, it was me, and how do we know if we love each other enough to commit to marriage?

The surprise on her face should have been enough of a warning but my mouth kept moving.

I said that we're just in the honeymoon period and one day it'll stop and then where will we be?

Her surprise turned to hurt but did that stop me? Nope. Me and my mouth had to just keep on spewing foolishness.

So I told her that maybe we should see other people just to make sure that we were right for each other and not making a mistake.

That's when the tears started and she asked me if I love her.

I really did but my brain gave up and shut down because my mouth wasn't taking any orders. I told her that I'm not sure so that's why we should try seeing other people.

It's amazing how fast the hurt and tears turned into anger. Then she yelled. Boy did she yell.

And it went something like this:

"WHY ARE YOU SO STUPID AND THAT IS THE STUPIDEST THING I'VE EVER HEARD!"

"But I---"

"STOP TALKING! AND WHEN SOMEONE SAYS THEY LOVE YOU RIGHT AFTER MAKING LOVE YOU AREN'T SUPPOSED TO LOOK CONFUSED!"

"Vanessa---"

"I SAID STOP! YOU HAD YOUR SAY AND NOW I WANT TO HAVE MINE! SO HAVE YOU BEEN LYING ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS ALL OF THESE MONTHS? AM I JUST A STEADY LAY TO YOU?"

"No, that's not---"

"YOU'RE STILL STUPID! AND WHAT IS THE REAL REASON WE'RE BREAKING UP?"

"But..."

"AREN'T I GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU?" More tears fall. "WHAT DID I DO WRONG?"

"You didn't do anything wrong, it's me."

"YOU'RE A COMPLETE JERK AND NEED TO LEAVE NOW! YOU'RE JUST LIKE MY LAST BOYFRIEND AND JUST WANTED TO USE ME."

Oh fudge...I didn't know about that. She has secrets too.

"HOW COULD I FALL IN LOVE WITH A SELFISH JERK LIKE YOU? I THOUGHT YOU WERE DIFFERENT. AND WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE?"

I don't think I can fix this.

"DON'T CALL ME EVER AGAIN AND I HOPE YOU GET EVERY VENEREAL DISEASE KNOWN IN YOUR STUPID SEARCH FOR THE PERFECT WOMAN!"

I had never seen her this mad.

"BUT YOU'LL NEVER FIND HER BECAUSE YOU CAN'T SEE WHAT IS RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR EYES! NOW GET OUT!!!"

I tried to apologize but she kept throwing things and screaming for me to get out.

So here I am, single again and yes, a complete moron. I've tried calling her but she ignores most of my calls. I think I'll just have to suck it up and move on.

Yes, I seriously screwed up. She's a really nice person and willing to do anything for me, unlike my ex wife. Vanessa hurt because of my incredible stupidity and was just letting it out. I have never met a more trusting soul but trust only goes so far when people keep hurting them. And I hurt her. Took her trust, her love, and squashed it. It's my fault and I'm very aware what an ignorant fool I've been. There's no way even trying to make excuses trying and justifying this.

So now I get to go back into the dating world and start over again. But one of the things I need to do first is figure out what happened in my marriage and deal with it. I can't hurt another person like Vanessa again. I just can't.

So what can I do to fix this thing in my head? There are obviously trust issues so where can I go to get these figured out? A shrink? I'm not so sure about that. I want to be fixed now, not in ten years.

Can there be things online that would help? Other people have to be in the same situation as me so they might have some knowledge I could use.

Maybe there is some sort of medication? Not that I want any drugs. I've heard some of the side effects an be brutal.

I really don't know how to deal with this and the only person I could talk to just kicked me out of her life.

Geez, I'm such an idiot. But I have to fix this, I just have--wait, what about meditation classes? Maybe that will help. Oh, and there's a special deal on flotation tank sessions. Maybe if I float for an hour in complete silence and darkness all of the scary crap in my brain will just float away.

And what about yoga? Isn't that supposed to help clear the body and mind?

I just don't know, I really don't. Maybe a combination of everything. All I know is that I have to fix this and fix it quick. Maybe one day I can prove myself and get Vanessa back. We definitely would have been good for each other so maybe it's not too late but I have some growing up to do first. Show her that I'm responsible and not scared.

But where to start? Maybe I'll go out tonight and have a couple of drinks just to help me think better. I didn't drink when I was with Vanessa and it didn't bother me. She doesn't drink so I decided not to either but she's not here to help and won't take my calls so I'm going to have to do this on my own. It'll just be a few drinks, nothing too stupid, and everything should be fine.

Being in a bar while newly single is scary. I'm sure everyone can see that I'm a loser and are secretly laughing at me. Well okay, maybe not, but it sure feels that way. A couple of more drinks should clear that up though.

Ahhh, much better. I'm feeling good and not a negative thought in me. There are a couple of women looking my way so just a couple more drinks for a little more courage and I'll go over and talk to them. This should be a piece of cake.

After few more drinks I stand up. And the room tilts a little.

Woah, I'm not too steady. I guess I had one too many but hey I can still talk, so I wobble over to the women. "Hey, how ya doin'?"

They both reel back from the smell of the alcohol. Then one of them looks me up and down and says "Sex is better when you're sober." Her and her friend get up and go to the other side of the room.

Ouch.

Okay, mebbe I had too mush to drink and don't think I'm goin' to have luck tonight. I'll jus' go home and nest time won't drink so mush.

Finding my coat was surprisingly difficult but I fumble my arms into it and go.

I'm going try this again but this time I'm only going to carry fifty dollars cash in my pocket. The credit and bank card are staying at home so I don't get really drunk again. That woman is right, sex is better sober and I can see it from her point of view. Why would she want to be with a guy that can't even find his own zipper?

Yeah, not fun.

Tonight I'll just have a few drinks to get a slight buzz going and so I'll be feeling pretty good and a little loose. Just enough to help loosen my tongues and not look like I'm about to puke on her shoes.

Okay, here I am. Never been here before so nobody should know me. Make a fresh start. I walk into the bar.

This place isn't so bad. It's got a live band on stage playing classical rock and they sound pretty good. The bar is filled up with people of all ages so I should be able to find someone here that'll be interested. But first I'm just going to buy a juice and try not to drink. I walk up to the bar, "Hey, do you have pineapple juice?"

The bartender leans over and she's wearing a very low cut blouse. I'm trying so hard right now not to look into her cleavage. "Yes we do."

She definitely knows how to get tips. "Cool. Can I have a pineapple juice please?"

No drink yet, just a blank look. So I stare at her and she stares back. "And?"

"Just the juice please, I'm not drinking tonight because I'm driving." Yeah, it's a lie but it's a reasonable lie.

"Ah, being responsible tonight?" She grabs the mixer gun and pours the juice into a glass.

"I'm trying"--a big grin works it's way onto my face--"but it's tough sometimes."

The glass clicks on the bar in front of me, "For sure."

"What do I owe you?"

"No charge since you're trying to be responsible." Her grin matches mine, "But if you stop being responsible I'm going to charge you double."

Cool. "Thanks." I grab a dollar and put it in her tip jar. I get one more smile and she turns to another customer.

Okay, I got a drink and now just to find a place to sit down. Ah, there's one over there beside that group of women. Good as place as any. So off I go to see how this night will turn out.

When I sit down I notice that one of the women is wearing one of those plastic princess crowns. I don't need a drink to be really curious. "What's with the crown?"

She turns to me, "It's my birthday!"

"Oh, happy birthday!"

"Thank you."

"Can I buy you a birthday drink?"

"Sure."

So off I go back to the bartender and as I get there she reaches for the mixer gun. "No, I want to buy a birthday drink for--" I point to the woman with the crown "--her. Can you make a Creamsicle?"

"Sure." Very quickly the drink is in front of me and I hand her the cash. Another dollar goes into her tip jar.

It's the cleavage doing making me do tip but I'm willing to go along...

I return to the table, "A special drink for a special birthday lady."

"What is it?"

"A Creamsicle. Ever had one?"

"No."

"They're really good, taste almost like a real Creamsicle."

"I like those." She tips the glass to her lips and tries a small taste, then drinks until it is gone. "That's good! I'll have to remember this one." Turning to one of her friends she smiles, "If this guy just roofied me make sure you beat the crap out of him."

Her friend turns to me as a very evil looking grin appears on her lips, "No problem." I wouldn't doubt that she could because she's got harder muscles than mine. She turns back to the birthday girl, "That's why I do MMA sweetie, just so I can protect you."

Mixed Martial Arts? Yikes! "Hey, no worries! Just buying a birthday drink! Not trying to get my face bashed in."

The women around the table laugh and birthday girl looks at me, "Good to know. And since you bought me a drink it's time for shots!"

Shots??? I don't have that much money! "Uh, I didn't bring enough money for shots for everyone. I mean, I would buy if I had."

She laughs again, "No, we're buying the shots! Wanna join us?"

OHHHHHHHHHH. "Sure."

Her MMA friend gets up and goes to the bar, quickly returning with a round of shots for everyone. She places one in front of each of us and hold hers up in a toast, "Happy birthday to the best little sister a person could ever have!"

'Cheers!' goes around the table and we slam them back.

Little sister? This might turn out to be a good night after all. I buy a few jugs of beer with my remaining money and we start the chugging contests.

My head is being repeatedly smashed under the feet of some very large elephants. I've never had a hangover this bad or felt this way before.

Something just feels wrong, really really wrong. It's morning, I'm lying on my bed half undressed not knowing how I got here, have a feeling of dying, my heart is palpitating, there's no hand-eye coordination, and I have to seriously concentrate on breathing. There is something seriously wrong and I fumble open the laptop to search for symptoms.

It doesn't take long to find the answer and the only good thing about all of this is that the dose wasn't lethal.

I was roofied.

I GUESS PORN ISN’T ALL BAD

It's dangerous out there in the dating world. That roofie thing has got me a little more than scared. What if the dose had been a little bit larger? I wouldn't be here. And just the other night I was beat up and robbed on the way home from the bar. No matter what I kept telling the guy he wouldn't believe that there was no real cash on me. So he split my face open, took $2 in change, a credit card, my wallet and jacket. I cancelled the credit card right away but what has pissed me off the most is that he got all of my ID and now I have to spend a pile of money to get new ones.

I have no idea why life has been kicking me in the head lately but I don't like it. Especially when I go out. So I'm going to stay home for a bit while my face heals and I can figure out what's going wrong. At least take a break from everything.

I hope that this isn't because I broke up with Vanessa and she's done some voodoo karma spell on me. Not that I really believe it but a person can't be too careful.

Okay, I'm just being stupid. She wouldn't voodoo me but I do believe in the karma thing so it's time to chill and clear up my head.

One of the problems is that I haven't been laid in quite a while and it's making me edgy. It's not easy being a man and having the sperm supply refill itself every three days with the old sperm needing a place to retire to. It can get pretty difficult trying to talk to a woman without thinking about where that sperm could be going...

I'm not trying to be a pig, I'm just trying to fight natural instincts.

So, to stop being roofied, getting beat up, and reduce my horniness I'm going to stay home and look at porn. That way I can relieve my tension without being in danger, right?

Yeah, I think so too. Oh, and it'll be cheaper and I won't drink as much. Seems like a win-win to me.

But first I've got to figure what what I want to be watching. I know it isn't regular porn because I can't stand cumshots. Like seriously, what guy pulls out, shoots his load all over a woman's belly or back, and likes it??? No freaking way. And the woman is moaning like she likes it as well. Give me a break! And let's not get started on when he shoots all over her face. That has to hurt when it goes in her eyes. Some things so messed up.

And I'm not even going to mention the acting...

Sure, it can be fun playing Joe The Plumber with a partner but watching it? Ugh.

Well, since I don't like regular porn and there's no way I'm getting into the freakier stuff like S&M, bestiality, pain, hardcore BDSM, fisting, insertions, or whatever else is out there, I'll be looking for something else. You may like that kind of stuff but I sure don't. I'm not judging if you do but it isn't for me. What I want is something a little more realistic so I'll be looking for homemade or amateur videos. From what people have told me it's the camera angle that lets a person know if it's real or staged. Usually in the real ones the camera is set, unless one of the people grab it to do a POV shot. The staged ones have the camera moving. Of course that isn't always true because there could be a threesome or something like that happening so someone will be trying to get a closeup shot. I'll just go for the set camera and maybe the ones where the woman is looking into the camera. I want to see her face. Constant dick shots are a turn off. Oh, and no money shots!!!

Ha ha ha ha ha ha, this is actually quite funny. I never thought I could be so selective about porn. Porn is porn and is all good, but maybe not. Makes sense though because if everyone liked the same thing there wouldn't be so much variety.

I don't believe that porn is a bad thing because there's a time and place for everything. Porn helps people to have fantasies which is a good thing. It's like prostitution, which is not a bad thing in itself. Prostitution provides a service that people use and most of the women are really nice. I just don't like the pimps. I got this from living in a neighbourhood where there were a lot of hookers and I had to walk by them everyday. Eventually I made friends (never used their services though) and found out that they're real people too. They have hopes and dreams just like you and me and most of them aren't there because they want to be, they're usually there because of circumstances. But there were also a few independents who were around because they made a lot of money fast to pay for whatever needed paying for. Some were doing it to get through college and some just wanted to retire by the time they were forty. But for the ones that didn't want to be there I would hear stories about their pimps and that would get to me. As far as I'm concerned pimps are nothing but blood-sucking leeches.

If you think that paying for sex is wrong you're going to have to redo some of your thinking. If you go to a bar, spend a pile of money buying drinks hoping to get laid then what you're doing is the same as prostitution, no matter how you want to justify it. At least with a prostitute there are no doubts about what you're getting and it's consensual. Taking home a girl for sex who's so drunk that she can't stand is way below the level of scum. If that's what's going to happen just stay home and watch porn or pay for a hooker. It'll be cheaper and a lot more morally right than taking advantage of someone who can't competently make her own decisions.

Guess I'm getting off topic but like that woman said "Sex is better when you're sober" and consensual sex is even better. But hey, I got roofied, have no idea what happened, and so do I have a say in what is right?

But enough of my moral spoutings, I've got amateur porn to get to.

So, should I make it a special event? I've heard that some women put out candles, have a hot bath, read some erotic literature, and then start the evening. Should I do that?

Okay, okay, okay, yes, I have masturbated to porn before but not like this. This time I'm looking for a substitute to the real thing to see if that works. Before it was just relieving horniness. Now I'm thinking lifestyle change. I've heard of other people going solo so maybe it's possible.

Of course there are things that will be missing, such as touch, taste, spontaneous words, playfulness, and the biggest thing, another body. Oh, and kissing. No more kissing! That one is going to be tough. Really tough.

Maybe I'm just overthinking this and should just get right into it. But I think a hot bath and a fluffy bathrobe should also be part of the experience.

Bath is done, I'm cozy and warm, even have some candles lit, and the laptop is open. Found some videos that look worthwhile and most of all the women have just the right amount of cuteness and they're looking into the camera. Looks like they're real homemade videos so this should be as realistic as it gets.

Hopefully.

But this kinda feels weird. It's like I'm taking myself out on a date and who prepares themselves for porn? Maybe some people do but it still feels somehow wrong. Maybe I'm just having first date jitters...

Aaaaaah, just do it!

I click play and the video starts. It's over half an hour long so that should be enough time to get warmed up.

She starts out on all fours and looking into the camera with those beautiful eyes of hers.

Yeah, yeah, who's supposed to look at her eyes? Well I do. Looking into someone's eyes while making love with them is super sexy. Of course there have a couple of nights when it was better to close my eyes, if you know what I mean. That's the problem with drinking, standards fall very quickly. Not saying that the other person wasn't a good person but sometimes there was a lot left to be desired.

Just saying.

Anyway the guy, who can only be seen from the chest down, enters her from behind and her eyes close for a second as she grasps.

I like this part, the first entry. There's something magical about the moment two bodies adjust to each other.

Her eyes open and she smiles as he slowly moves behind her.

I wish I was that guy.

His hands travel along her back as he keeps thrusting and she closes her eyes again, letting the feeling wash over her. I can feel a stirring down below as I imagine my hands doing the same to her, feeling her skin, her warmth, and the moistness where our bodies join.

My hands travel down.

She's sexy and enjoying that. I wish I was inside her right now.

He starts thrusting a little faster and a little harder.

My hand moves a little faster as well.

I wonder what she's thinking.

Her eyes open and she stares at the camera, almost as if she knows I'm there.

It's just a video but it's like she can see right into me. Like she's inviting me to be there.

My hand moves faster.

Her head drops to the bed and the sheets scrunch up in her hands. A moan escapes her lips.

A moan escapes mine.

Her hips start moving and she's thrusting them back and forth, while circling them occasionally.

Geez, I want to be there. I so much want to be there.

My other hand reaches out but all only a cold screen awaits. There's no warmth, no sweat, no skin, nothing but that screen under my fingers. The magic diminishes a bit.

Her head tilts and she's looking at the camera again. Her lips form a kiss and she blows it into the camera.

Man, I want to kiss those lips. They're so soft and inviting.

She moans again.

My hand moves faster.

A moan comes from behind her as the guy moves faster.

Oh yeah, him. Crap.

She turns and looks at him, a sensuous smile on her lips, the very same lips that were blowing kisses a few seconds ago. Her hand reaches back as she grabs his buttocks and pulls him deeper into her. Another moan escapes her lips.

That's so hot. I should be there, I should be there.

She turns back to the camera and smiles. Her hips move faster and she throws her head back. Gasps are coming out now.

Moans and gasps are coming out of me as well.

She's getting close and one of her hands reaches between her legs and moves.

My hand moves faster yet. But something in the reality of this just isn't as exciting as it could be. I'm not tasting her, I'm not touching her, she's not moaning for me, all I'm doing is watching what someone already did.

But that doesn't stop what I'm doing even though a little twinge of sadness and jealousy runs through my belly.

I'm simply too close to stop.

And then she peaks.

Her body clenches and twitches as the orgasm washes over her.

At that moment my body responds to hers and I explode, the orgasm washing up and down my spine, my body spasming in time with hers.

Then it's over. For her and me. The video ends.

I'm spent and lying on sweat-soaked sheets, cool air blowing over my skin. And in this moment I realize how alone I am and all that preparation didn't even help. There is no one to snuggle up to afterwards and no one to say sweet words. There's only a cold computer screen to keep me company.

Porn as a substitute really, really sucks.

YOU’VE GOT A WHAT???

Since I'm not doing so well in regular venues I've decided to try something new and found an event that looks interesting. It’s a fetish costume party and from the pictures of the previous parties it looks really good. Plus the cover charge is pretty cheap.

If those pictures are anything to go by it'll be a blast. One of the requirements is that a person has to have some sort of fetish outfit and I know I can make some sort of fetish gear pretty easily, and maybe if if everything goes right I'll get lucky. After all there are a whole lot of almost naked people.

Found this event while surfing for amateur videos the other week. Who says looking at porn is all bad?

Got all of the stuff and the costume is done. The thrift store had some good deals and I picked up some fake leather pants and a jacket real cheap! Plus I also got a Zorro mask! The pants are a little small but I’ve made some well placed cuts that help the pants to expand. It looks good if I do say so myself.

And I look pretty hot in them.

There’s no way I’m not going to get noticed. And getting noticed means that I'll probably get laid too.

Yes, way better than porn!

The lineup extends past the building but it’s moving fairly quickly so I should get in soon. I'm somewhere in the middle checking people out when a really cute little brunette comes over and stands beside me. She’s pretty, comes up to my shoulder, and is wearing very sexy, very string-like lingerie. Not much is left to the imagination but what is left is making me to really, really want to know more. I may be flattering myself and she might be trying to use me to cut in line but I don't care. She looks me up and down, stops at my eyes, holds out her hand and grins. “Hi, I’m Tasmana.”

I take her hand and kiss her fingers, “And I’m honoured.”

A sly smile plays across her lips, “I bet you are. And your name is?”

Play this cool. “Is it important?” I gaze directly into her eyes, “After all it would take the mystery out of it.”

Her eyes flick across my face for a few seconds, then “No, I guess it isn’t. But what am I supposed to call you when we’re at my place later?”

YESSSSSSSS!!! But still keep it cool. “Whatever you wish. I’ll be your fantasy.”

Her smile suddenly widens and somehow becomes even more sly. “I’ll probably be more of a fantasy for you than you will be for me.”

Okaaaaay. But whatever that means it sounds really good! I kiss her fingers again, “If you say so pretty lady. But we should find that one out later.” The line starts moving again and we walk forward.

We get to the door and she turns to me, “I have to get something but I’ll meet you inside okay?”

Oh crap, just got burned. “Sure,”--my mood evaporates--”see you inside.” I have to admit that she's got a very sexy walk as she heads off in another direction. What I don't understand is why she picked me to go in with and then walked away. Weird.

I still go inside.

With what just happened I can't help but think tonight was going to be awesome and easy, but guess not. Oh well, guess I can't have everything and the night is just starting. Not my night to be lucky right off the bat so I might as well get a drink and see what else there is. I doubt Tasmana will be back.

But I should have told her my name and not tried to play it so mysteriously. I’m such an idiot.

There's a few drinks in me and I'm feeling pretty good. Okay, I'm feeling REALLY good! Been dancing a little, sometimes with other people and sometimes by myself. No luck with the women though. Maybe it has something to do with the little bit of stumbling I’m doing now and then. It’s probably making my dance moves a bit rough and not look as cool as I’d like.

Anyway, I’ve got to go to the bathroom and the night is almost over. Tasmana didn’t show up and needless to say I’m feeling a little bit sorry for myself but right now peeing takes precedence.

I've got a pretty good stream going and trying to break up the little deodorant puck when a stall door opens behind me. Suddenly I hear “Hey sexy stranger!”

I know that voice! I quickly clench my butt cheeks, stop the flow, zip up and turn around. “Tasmana! Hey!” I wrap my arms around her, “I thought you had dumped me.”

She pushes me back, “It took longer than I thought. I was just coming out to look for you.”

That’s awesome! I’m going to get la--uh, wait a minute. “Uh, what are you doing in the men’s washroom?”

A big smile plasters itself across her face, “I don’t like doing normal things. You okay with that?”

DARN RIGHT I AM! “Yeah, I’m good.”

“It looks like you’re better than good. Being enjoying yourself?”

“Quite a bit actually.”

“I can tell. Well, are you ready to go?”

Last called passed anyway. “Yup!” Time to get lucky!

We wash our hands (have to be hygienic) and she wraps her arm around mine as we head out the door.

We're cuddling on the couch behind the coffee table while her roommate Candace is on the other couch in front. The coffee table between us holds neat lines of coke.

“This is why it took so long before I found you. My dealer was out and I had to find someone else.”

Oh.

“Have you ever done coke before?”

“No, but my brother had. He said that he had eyes in the back of his head and once he had a thought that was all he could think of.”

Tasmana laughs, “That’s pretty weird.”

I laugh as well, “Yeah, but because of that I’ve wanted to try it.”

Her hand gently moves back and forth along my thigh, “Well now’s your chance.”

Yes, yes it is. I’m drunk, gonna snort coke, and get laid. THIS IS AWESOME!!! “I’ve never done this before so what do I do?”

She leans over and her lips meet mine. Our tongues quickly follow and suddenly nothing else exists.

“HEY! Are we going to do this or are you two going to tongue dance all night long?” Candace is impatient and wants to get this party started.

Geez Candace, do you really have to do this now? But she is quite attractive and if I could figure out how to get into a threesome, well...

Tasmana breaks off the kiss, laughing. “Okay, we can tongue dance later.” Leaning over she snorts a line up her nose. Candace follows right after.

Well, it’s my turn. Here goes nothing. I lean over an inhale. And my left nostril goes numb.

COOOOOOOOOOOL!

Tasmana does another line and so does Candace. Then it’s my turn. I lean down again and inhale with the other nostril. It loses feeling too.

This is so awesome!

It doesn’t take long before the coke is gone. I don’t know if anything is different but I do like the alternating numb nostrils.

I’m easy to please sometimes.

We talk some more and finally Tasmana takes my hand and stands up, “Time to go to bed.”

Yes, definitely time to go to bed... I stand up as Tasmana lets go of my hand, “I’ve got to go to the little girl’s room and you can go into my bedroom. It’s the first door on the left.” She heads down the hallway.

As I start to move a hand grasps mine. I look down and get pulled onto the couch where Candace kisses me. She looks deep into my eyes, “When you’re done with her come and do me next.”

OHHHHHHHHH WOOOOOOOOOOOW! “Uh, sure. Be glad too.” She gives me one more kiss and I get up, going into Tasmana’s bedroom.

I’ll wait until Tasmana is asleep and then sneak out to Candace. It’s not a threesome but it’ll do.

I lay down just as Tasmana walks into the bedroom. She’s fit, cute, nice perky breasts, and the only thing she's wearing are panties and a smile.

I’m really gonna enjoy this.

Drugs, sex, and rock n’ roll. Life just doesn’t get better.

She straddles me and leans over my face, “Are you ready?”

You betcha! “Yup, I’m all yours.”

Our lips meet again and this time they burn.

I’ve got to get home. I need to be home. Home is where I should be. My feet move faster.

Geez, this feels wrong! I should just blow my brains out. If I had a gun...

WAIT!!! No, I can’t kill myself, that’s stupid!

I slow down.

No, I should. What I did is wrong.

Geez, I need someone to talk me out of this stupidity. Who can I--oh, maybe Vanessa can help me. We’re exes but she should still be able to help me.

My feet pick up the pace again.

Yeah, Vanessa can help. If she can’t I don’t know what I’m going to do. All I know is that I can’t live with this.

It’s four in the morning but I have to make this call.

The voice on the other end of the phone is pretty sleepy. “Hello?”

“Vanessa it’s me, I need help.”

Suddenly she’s not so sleepy. “What’s wrong?”

“Did I wake you?”

“Of course you woke me up! What’s the matter? Are you drunk?”

“I want to blow my brains out.”

Silence for a few seconds and then “Why?”

I hope this doesn’t sound stupid. “I went to a nightclub and met a girl named Tasmana. After the club closed we ended up getting some coke and then going back to her place.”

“Now you’re doing coke?”

“NO! I mean yes, just once, an hour ago. I won’t do it again I promise!”

“Okay, what happened?”

“Well, we went to her bedroom and started getting intimate. You know I like to take my time and about half an hour later I reach down and she’s got a dick bigger than mine.”

There’s dead silence and then laughter erupts out of the phone. Finally she calms down, “So what did you do?”

“NOTHING! I got dressed and LEFT!”

More silence. Then “Is that why we broke up? Because you’re gay?”

WHAT?????? “NO, I’M NOT GAY!!!”

“But you picked up a woman with a penis. Sounds gay to me.”

“VANESSA, I’M NOT GAY!!!”

“Maybe you are and just are experimenting.”

GEEZ VANESSA!!! “VANESSA, I’M NOT GAY!!!”

“Then why did you pick up a woman with a penis?”

“Because I didn’t know she had one and now I feel really bad! I want to blow my brains out.” I really really do.

“Just calm down, it’s the coke talking. But if you’re gay it’s okay.” There’s silence for a few more seconds, then “That definitely would explain some things.”

AAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! “I’m not gay!!! I’m drunk, high on coke, and want to blow my brains out!”

“Then why did we break up?”

GEEZ!!! “Because I’m a friggin’ idiot! You happy now?”

A small chuckle comes out of the phone, “Well, I guess I’ll have to be.”

“VANESSA,THIS ISN’T FUNNY! I WANT TO KILL MYSELF!”

“Just calm down. Go to bed and in the morning if you feel the same way give me a call. But I think once the booze and coke wear off you’ll be fine.”

I hope so. “Are you sure?”

“It’ll be fine. Just get some sleep.”

“Thanks Vanessa, I owe you one.” As I’m about to hang up I hear “Who’s calling at this time in the morning?” “It’s my ex boyfriend mom.” “Why’s he calling?” “He’s drunk again and wanted to tell me he’s gay.” Click.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!

GOTTA GET ONLINE

So yeah, the fetish party didn’t work out so well. Okay, so I had a little too much to drink but you can’t blame me for that. And she WAS cute. I’m not against her but she’s not the one for me.

The worst part about all of it is that the hangover lasted two days. Must have had something to do with the coke but geez I’m such a lightweight. I’ve never had much tolerance to alcohol. Half a bottle of beer and I’m feeling really good but after that I can drink like a fish. I don't have any desire to drink everyday but whenever I walk into a bar I usually stumble out with empty pockets.

Although I never drink alone. I won’t do that.

Well, enough about my binging. I know it’s a problem but one I’m not ready to deal with yet.

So now I'm thinking that maybe instead of trying to find someone in a club I should try a dating site. After all I keep hearing how easy it is to get laid online. Just have to slap up a good profile, lie a little, and I should be good to go. It sounds cheap but what else am I going to do? Getting drunk and meeting strangers is a little dangerous right now. I can’t even look at a woman without seeing if she walks like a man.

So how should I go about doing this? I don’t want to waste money on something that might not work, especially since my luck hasn't been so good lately. I guess my best bet is to try one of those free sites.

After a bit of searching www.freeandeasydatesonline.com pops up. No charges, well except for some premium stuff I don’t want anyway, the profile is easy to set up, and I don’t have to answer a bunch of those annoying profile questionnaires. Like who cares what colour fruit I like best??? That’s just stupid.

Okay, now that I'm here the beginning of the profile is about me. First thing is to set up is a username.

Hmmm. Oh, how about Smooth_as_silk69? That sounds pretty cool. Sauve too.

Next is age, height, etc. I’m not going to lie because it’ll all be obvious when I meet someone anyway. I don’t need a reputation as a lying loser.

Not that I need a reputation as a truthful loser either...

Now for some other questions.

Are you male, female, or other?

Other, there’s an OTHER? I click on other simply because I'm curious. It comes up with a list of descriptions of which most I've never heard of. But I guess I’ll go with male because multisexual alien lifeforms aren’t listed.

Gotta have fun with this!

Next question. What are you looking for?

My keys actually. I lost them this morning but they’re probably around here somewhere. But this isn’t a key finding site so that answer is out. I do wish they had multisexual alien lifeforms as an option because meeting one of those would be seriously cool. And I probably should stop reading scifi porn.

Anyway, multisexual alien lifeforms aren’t on the list so ‘casual relationship’ it is. Start out casual and see where it goes from there.

Are you willing to date a woman with children?

Hmmm, yeah sure. In case of a zombie apocalypse we’ll need a food supply. One must plan ahead. But I can’t say that, just check the yes box.

How would you classify yourself on a drinking scale? Teetotaller, social drinker, moderate drinker, or candidate for a liver replacement?

Definitely social drinker. I’m VERY social when I drink!

Would you date a woman who drinks?

NO WAY! Are you kidding me! That’s just crazy!!!

Just kidding, of course I would.

Do you smoke?

Only in bed, that’s what the girlies tell me anyway. Heh heh. Nope.

Would you date someone that smokes?

Not really, I don’t like the smell. Whiskey breath is cool, smoker breath not so much.

Are you single, married, divorced, separated, other?

Other. Multisexual alien lifeform.

What three things are you looking for in a partner?

Willingness, loads of money, and the ability to be be very forgiving. Independence, intelligence, and humour

What three traits best describe you?

Independence, intelligence, and humour

What are three of your best qualities?

Answering online dating profile questions, drinking, and not throwing up on my shoes. I’ve thrown up on other peoples' shoes but not mine. Being able to learn quickly, able to handle any situation, and willpower.


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