Marple Struts Her Stuff
Jack Hamma Action Adventure
Anthony E Thorogood
Anthony E Thorogood 2015
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Miss Marple Struts Her Stuff
Adventures in Paradise
The Cop Shop Boys
Sore Tooth Charlie
The Ladies Room
A Room with No View
Missing in Action
Harry Up Wong
Don't Eat the Mushrooms
Who the Hell am I
Hell do I Write
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One: Adventures in Paradise
An old woman in sensible shoes strode along the boardwalk to where we
lay on deckchairs soaking up the sun, drinking cocktails and chatting
idly about nothing at all. We were living in a beautiful pleasant
torpor, we were newlyweds, on our honeymoon, camping out in five star
luxury in a thatched Melanesian style cottage on the palm shrouded
beach of Melting Island off the Queensland coast in the Great Barrier
Reef National Park. We had spent the morning snorkelling among the
coral looking at amazing fish and coral formations and now we were
busy doing nothing. The sea rolled up on to the sand to a steady
rhythm and glistened and the sky was ice cream blue with wisps of
peaches and cream coloured clouds. I was lazy, Kashmere was lazy,
Kashmere's legs were extravagantly straddled across my lap and we sat
and talked, joked and laughed about nothing in particular, drank
cocktails and ate ice creams, life was good.
just shot dead the manager,' said the old woman.
serious,' said the old woman.
est couvert de nuages,' I said.
true, the sky wasn't covered in clouds, it was shocking ice cream
Marple was the old woman in sensible shoes who had strode along the
boardwalk and interrupted our nothingness. We had learnt her name the
day before, until then she had been a stray female of unknown
identity and indeterminate age, and I had wanted to keep it that way,
but she had insisted on joining us for dinner. Apparently her real
name was Miss Maple but she was such a busybody, poking her nose into
everyone's business, that from the day she arrived most people at the
Melting Island luxury holiday resort had christened her Miss Marple
after the Agatha Christie nosy poke detective.
before us now, she was wearing a long flowing thing covered in giant
highly coloured flowers, the flowers looked more like dangerous
carnivores than anything your average punter would stick in a jug of
water to prettify a dull room. The dress's general use however was
not to scare small infants and keep rampant bikies at bay it was
actually designed to hide an expanding waistline. Out of politeness I
will say no more about her over generous intake of calories.
She had a
shock of grey hair, and I do mean a shock, there was lots of it and
it seemed to be all over the place as if she had been standing out in
a gale just after washing it. It wasn't actually grey but white, not
even white really, it was so white that it was silver or even
platinum. It was quite an impressive head of hair, shoulder length
and thick, there was masses of it, if that hair came near you on a
dark night you would run for cover. She stood in front of us with her
hands on her well rounded hips and eyed us sternly, her shock of
platinum hair dominating the skyline.
care? Pirates have just shot dead the manager,' said Miss Marple.
a good yarn,' I said.
making this up,' said Miss Marple.
I said, 'there's someone coming, I can hear them, two maybe three of
them, but let's not get too excited, it's probably just the drinks
waiter, he's scheduled to bring us more cocktails about now. If it's
drinks all round we'll have a party but if it's Miss Marple's pirates
then it will be a different sort of party.'
hear anything,' said Miss Marple craning her neck.
bionic man when it comes to hearing,' said Kashmere.
arrived, all wearing black boots, black trousers and black shirts,
they were also all armed with large lumps of wood otherwise known as
baseball bats. Around their heads they wore highly coloured
off this island now!' said one of the pirates.
He was a
great big fella, not as tall as me but he had a solid torso like a
'I take it
you haven't brought me a cocktail?' I said.
you dead,' he said.
pocket of his pants he pulled a handgun with a long barrel and he
fired the gun into the air.
'You up on
your feet old woman,' said the big guy to Miss Marple.
up. Kashmere rose to her feet too. She stood like a trained killing
machine, gone were the long languid arms and legs and the soft
voluptuous body. But there was no way even Kashmere could take on
three thugs. The gorilla leader pointed his gun at her, he shouldn't
have done that.
I was on
my feet before the three pirates could blink. I banged the heads
together of two of them and down they went. I knocked the gun from
the hand of the leader and grabbed him by the throat. I began
throttling him, which was a major tactical error on my part, he was a
big man and his big hands slowly moved up around my neck and he
started squeezing the life out of me. I let go of his neck and hit
out but he squeezed harder. I used my knee and made a connection that
his future generations wouldn't be too happy about, he was down but
not out. He hauled himself up and threw himself at me his arms and
fists flailing around like a windmill, he hit me in the nose, in the
face and in the chest, I jumped back but on he came like a mechanical
tornado, he was unstoppable. I kicked him, I punched him, I tried a
judo throw, I tried a karate kick, I was running out of ideas, then
there was a whooshing noise followed by the sound of baseball bat
connecting with skull. He fell to the ground and Kashmere stood over
him, she had a huge lump of wood in her hands and a smile on her
face. God it's good to have a versatile wife.
you believe me?' said Miss Marple, 'they have just shot dead the
okay we believe you,' I said.
the manager they were pirates, he had a good belly laugh at me but he
paid dearly for that belly laugh.'
begin at the beginning,' I said, 'what exactly happened?'
say Sore Tooth Charlie?'
heard of Sore Tooth Charlie and it was nothing good that I had heard.
your hearing aid not working? I said Sore Tooth Charlie,' said Miss
Sore Tooth Charlie?' said Kashmere.
Dragon Master of the Hong Kong Triad,' said Miss Marple.
this is Australia,' said Kashmere.
'He was in
prison in Hong Kong for murder and extortion, the Chinese communists
in Beijing said that he would never get out of prison but he must
have bought somebody off, he got out, he's free and he's in Australia
running supposedly legitimate businesses,' said Miss Marple.
somewhere that he had been shot dead,' I said.
alive and well,' said Miss Marple.
government wouldn't allow him in the country,' said Kashmere, 'at
least I hope they wouldn't.'
here and he's alive and well,' said Miss Marple. 'He was a gangster
boss but now he runs legitimate timber and mining businesses in
Australia although he also imports counterfeit goods such as DVDs,
fashion brands and car parts but worst of all he imports counterfeit
pharmaceutical drugs. Sore Tooth Charlie is now an Australian citizen
so the Government must have vetted him.'
of a vetting,' said Kashmere.
come you know all about this?' I said.
you but where to begin? On my father's side, my grandfather was
Portuguese and my grandmother was Chinese. My mother's family were
all old Australian landed gentry though, I suppose I'm a bit of a
mongrel, I was born in Hong Kong and, well, let's just say I have an
interest, but that's got nothing to do with it. I know that Sore
Tooth Charlie is a walking genocide waiting to happen, we must do
to start sand mining on this island and he wants to cut down the rain
forest here for wood pulp, the Japanese want to make toilet paper out
of our magnificent trees.'
in the National Park, he won't be allowed to do that,' I said.
what everybody thinks but Sore Tooth Charlie has the unofficial go
ahead from the Queensland Government and the Federal Department of
not possible, the Great Barrier Reef Marine Park Authority wouldn't
let it happen.'
just a puppet of the government and Sore Tooth Charlie has the
government in his pocket.'
to the High Court of Australia,' said Kashmere.
but by the time it comes to a court hearing this island will be
we?' I said.
mostly and a few friends who are interested in saving the planet.'
the planet is a big job.'
if everybody did their little bit.'
has this got to do with pirates?'
Tooth Charlie arranged for a fleet of supposedly Chinese fishing
boats to dock here to take on water, they are the toughest most
shifty eyed unfishermanly fishermen I have ever seen and they are
busy throwing their weight around. I told the manager that it was
time to call in the authorities…'
'I take it
he never made the call?' I said.
have time,' said Miss Marple. 'I've been watching them all week, I
was suspicious. Earlier today the crews from the boats came ashore, I
got a boy to row me out to one of the boats, I climbed aboard and
went through it, there are about forty men crewing the boats and they
have rifles and hand grenades, knives, explosives, all sorts of
help smiling at the thought of Miss Marple on a covert operation
crawling around the fishing boats.
do you think we can do?'
to know that you were an SAS Special Forces Commando, you'll be able
to think of something,' said Miss Marple pointing a finger at me.
what I wanted to think about, this was my honeymoon. Don't you hate
it when work seems to follow you everywhere? Even to Melting Island
in the Great Barrier Reef National Park.
smiling and thinking about my honeymoon when the big ugly pirate
jumped up on his feet, grabbed Kashmere and held a deadly looking
knife to her throat, the blade shone in the sunlight.
go or I slice,' he said.
Kashmere could take care of herself but I didn't like the look of
that knife, or of the man who was holding it. I was just formulating
a plan when a cloth bag was thrust over my head from behind, and it
got worse, it was followed by a thick rope that was wound around my
neck. The rope immediately tightened, I couldn't breathe. My first
reaction was to grab at the rope and struggle and get myself free but
it was a short lived struggle, you can't get your fingers under a
rope that is being held around your neck. My strength was beginning
to drain, I was choking, any moment now I would black out due to lack
of oxygen. I had one final trick up my sleeve before I lost
consciousness. I pulled my arms up and forward and then, using all
the energy I had left, I thrust my elbows backwards, used the
momentum to push my shoulders forward and bent my body double, my
assailant was now totally off balance, he was thrown forward over the
top of me and crashed down on his back unconscious. I tore off the
rope and the cloth bag, the gorilla who had his knife at Kashmere's
throat was busy watching the action and was off his guard, I flew
through the air, the base of my hand hit his jaw like a baseball bat
hitting a watermelon, there was one almighty crack and something hard
became something soft. I relieved him of his knife.
your time,' said Kashmere.
and I, dressed as the Pirates of Penzance in black trousers and
shirts and red bandannas, hauled Miss Marple back to the resort
restaurant which sat out on a sand cliff overlooking the sea. We were
putting up the front that she was our prisoner and we were escorting
her to the leader. There were Asiatic looking gangsters all over the
place ejecting startled tourists from their luxury eco villas. We
marched Miss Marple all the way up to where Sore Tooth Charlie's
local commander in chief, Harry Up Wong, was sitting under a big old
shade tree. It was one of those very old, very big and very gnarled
fig trees and Harry Up Wong was looking rather comfortable sitting in
a hanging chair eating delicacies. He was of a largish girth, his
fingers and toes, he wore open sandals, were short and stubby, he
wore what can only be described as an Hawaiian shirt, blue background
with reds and lots of shockingly in your face colours, still we were
on holiday, he also wore shorts, khaki shorts, a bit long and a bit
too roomy not a good fit at all really. His face was very well
fleshed out but it looked poxy, his cheeks were over red and his nose
was burgundy. He was Chinese so his eyes had a slight pointiness and
his nose wasn't over big, his hair covered his whole head but it was
a very poor and a very well-oiled crop, if I was a farmer and that
was my crop I wouldn't bother to harvest it. His teeth were good if
you don't mind looking at nicotine stained teeth. His eyes were
bloodshot and his forehead was indented with deep lines, all in all
he was not a pretty sight. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to
describe your typical Chinese villain but it has to be said that he
looked a nasty sort. As we approached he looked up.
you do?' he said in a perfect English accent.
said. 'Hasta la vista, baby.'
your pardon?' he said.
and get out of here,' I said.
in no position…' he said as he picked up another delicacy and
popped it into his mouth, '…to make unwarranted demands on…by the
way, may I ask who you may be?'
judgement,' I said. 'Nemesis.'
reiterate, who may you be?'
Hamma,' I said.
'He was an
SAS Special Forces Commando,' said Miss Marple with a superior smirk,
'so you'd better watch your step.'
'I see, a
man of action no less. Are you wanting to join my team?'
a big I'm the king of the castle smile.
wanting to screw your head off,' I said.
but we are all civilised people here, or am I wrong to make that
about as civilised as a white pointer shark perusing the bathers on
no need to be offensive.'
every need,' I said.
Tooth Charlie purchased the lease of this island from the Queensland
government. He paid a considerable sum of money for the privilege
and, as Sore Tooth Charlie's number one man, I have been sent here to
close down this resort. The manager was told months ago to take no
more bookings, he flagrantly disobeyed Sore Tooth Charlie's
directives, he was in breach of company policy, it was necessary for
me to fly up here and assume responsibility. In consultation with
management it was decided that we must take drastic action,
everybody, of course, will be fully reimbursed plus a small bonus for
inconvenience but, and I must be adamant here, the company I
represent requires everyone, including you and your good lady, to be
off this island immediately and that old busy body Greenie lady must
go too,' he said pointing a fat finger at Miss Marple. 'I must state
that I have been authorised, by the company, to use every means at my
disposal if my hand is forced.'
manager force your hand?' I said.
unfortunate, very unfortunate. If I could turn the clock back I
would, Sore Tooth Charlie is not a violent man, he believes in people
coming together and resolving their issues peaceably, we did not
expect the manager would take the law into his own hands, he attacked
me with an axe and I fired in self-defence. I have notified the local
police, they will be here shortly, I will leave it up to them to
determine what happens next. I expect the full force of the law will
come into play and due process will be followed through, the company
I represent is more than happy to help the lawfully appointed police
officers here with their investigation.'
murderer!' shouted Miss Marple.
up,' said Harry Up Wong.
One of his
stooges moved over and raised an arm to shut her up.
right where you are, don't touch her,' I said.
froze but Harry Up Wong didn't, he pulled a gun and I took him out
with a running jump and a kick, it would have hurt him far more than
it hurt me, especially as he fell and hit his face on the big old fig
tree. Three Chinese pirates brandishing lethal looking knives rushed
me but in so doing they forgot about Kashmere, in this life you
forget about Kashmere at your peril and she took them out with karate
kicks and punches from behind.
Two: The Cop Shop Boys
Life can't be all action and adventure, so back at chez nous we got
into some serious relaxing after our battle in the restaurant. We had
bound and gagged the bad guys and left it with Miss Marple to call in
the cavalry. Now it was time for Kashmere and I to get back to our
honeymoon. We stripped off and plunged into the sea, we swam out into
deep water and then raced each other back to shore. I splashed
Kashmere with sea water and she returned the compliment. After our
sea water battle we ran back to our hut and fell on the bed together.
We forgot all about Sore Tooth Charlie and his henchmen, we had
better things to think about.
onto my back and shut my eyes, I was pretty much asleep in seconds. I
woke up, jumped off the bed and threw on my clothes, something wasn't
right. Kashmere lay there completely naked, and never a more
beautiful sight has man ever beheld, but this was not the time for
the appreciation of the beauty of the female form. I crept out onto
our deck that overlooked the warm blue sea, it was a beautiful
turquoise blue and it rolled into shore in gentle rolls of sensuous
delight but again this was no time for the appreciation of the beauty
of colour and form. Figures dressed in black were running along the
dunes on either side of our luxury beach hovel. They were wearing
black helmets with visors and black body armour, they also carried
black automatic rifles. Black's not great in the heat but they seemed
to have a liking for it. Out on the road, a small roadway ran behind
our super serendipity hut, there were more black clothed men and on
either side of our deluxe wattle and daube was positioned a black
armoured vehicle. Further along from those dark and foreboding
monsters police cars were on the beach blocking all exits. I kept
down low and went back inside, from the back window of the hut I
studied the roadway. There were black cloaked snipers in the cheaper
apartments, the ones that don't have sea frontage on the other side
of the roadway, I could hear a police helicopter hovering just above
us and as I listened a police four wheel drive pulled up out front.
Two policemen fell out and took cover behind their vehicle, one was
carrying a megaphone.
Hamma,' the megaphone rang out.
interested in them, I had Kashmere to think about and protect, hadn't
I said something along those lines only days before in a great big
I whispered into her ear.
please,' she said with a sleepy smile.
you to get into the roof space through the manhole.'
me to what?'
you to get up into the roof.'
understand,' she said.
still half asleep, she looked very beautiful.
need you to get into the roof.'
tell me what to do…sometimes…you treat me like a…'
the fucking roof now,' I said.
her face, that was a first and hopefully a last, but anyway she woke
surrounded and outnumbered, they want me, if they get you too it will
be harder for me to sort this out, get in the roof please.'
'But I can
just get in the roof, you're more use to me if they don't have you.'
once, for me, do it.'
nodded her head and quick as a flash she moved the table, jumped
through the manhole, was in the roof space and gone. I moved the
table back and got a beer from the fridge.
Hamma,' the megaphone rang out again. 'You are wanted to help the
police with their enquiries.'
I drank my
beer and watched them with a smile on my lips, they do say that
smiling, and laughing, are good for the heart, my smile broke into a
laugh and one of the black suited policemen who had been skulking in
the dunes took a shot at me.
fire,' shouted the policeman with the megaphone.
guys,' I called out.
Hamma,' said the megaphone, 'the police want you to help them with
me finish my beer.'
quietly and there will be no shooting.'
going to shoot,' I said, 'and your lot couldn't hit a wheelie bin at
you to help us with our enquiries.'
they weren't wanting to arrest me if this was what they did just to
get help with their enquiries. I took a swig of beer.
step into something more comfortable then I'll come out and we can
managed to get my name right anyhow.
your knickers in a knot, I'm coming, I'm coming.'
out on to the deck and was jumped by about ten police officers.
fuck's sake,' I said.
myself bound hand and foot, wearing a straitjacket and with a cotton
bag, like a flour sack, over my head and they put shackles around my
ankles. Talk about overkill. I was bundled into one of the armoured
vehicles and it drove off at a great rate of knots.
straitjacket was invented in 1790, in France, by an upholsterer named
Guilleret and was popular in Victorian times for the restraint of the
mentally ill. In August 2012 the fastest regulated escape from a
straitjacket was by a female escape artist named Sofia Romeo who took
4.69 seconds, I was going to take a bit longer than that. Pulling a
straitjacket off over your head causes both arms to be dislocated. I
had to have a think about this one, dislocated arms were not my
think you're over reacting slightly?' I said.
I had been
bundled out of the armoured vehicle, dragged through the outer
offices of a police station and deposited in a back room on a chair.
arresting you for the murder of one Kenneth Kreen the manager of the
Melting Island Resort, everything you say will be taken down and will
be used against you in a court of law.'
life,' I said.
was dull but clean, slightly off white walls, a wooden table, the
timber had been acquired during some Indonesian rainforest
deforestation project to make some wealthy man even wealthier, a few
chairs, moulded plastic, mostly being sat in, no pictures on the
walls, no window, the light was provided by a single fluoro in the
ceiling. The ceiling was white squares made from polystyrene, the
door was wooden but nothing special, cheap timber again provided by
the devastation of an Indonesian rainforest, the carpet was clean, it
was grey with a scratchy line pattern in dark brown, not really eye
an altercation with the manager over the cost of your suite.'
who said that was obviously of Scottish ancestry, he was very white
with lots of freckles, his face looked like a rain storm of mud
splodges, his hair, what there was of it, was red, he was overweight,
so overweight in fact that he couldn't do up the buttons on his cheap
styleless suit, his face was puffy and red with effort although he
hadn't done anything yet, all he'd done was say: You had an
altercation with the manager over the cost of your suite. I decided
not to co-operate, I'm not sure why I decided not to co-operate but I
just knew it was the best move in the circumstances. I was still
wearing the straitjacket and my legs were still shackled together
with chains but the bag had been taken off my head. There was a
policeman, with something lethal looking in his hands, standing with
his back to a door that had been made from a tree from an Indonesian
all nonsense,' I said. 'I think...'
give a fuck what you think,' said the fat man.
'I have a
right to ring my solicitor,' I said.
mate, you aint got no rights, this is Queensland and we do things by
should know that…'
mate, if I can't fuck it, shoot it, drink it or smoke it I'm not
interested,' said the fat man.
to say nothing more, I was wasting my time talking to this man. Time
went by and we got nowhere.
co-operate…' said the fat man.
newspapers are calling for the reintroduction of hanging,' sneered
the man, 'but if you co-operate.'
you killed him, we have several witnesses.'
you were an SAS Special Forces Commando.'
policeman with his back to the door, who was positioned behind me,
hit me over the head with his lethal looking something, I collapsed
out of my chair.
forced back into the chair. The lethal looking something that I had
been hit with was a large sausage bag thing filled with sand, it hurt
like hell but left no mark.
in this bloody police force is aching to have a crack at you, coming
up from the south, meddling with Queensland business, and if you
don't co-operate they are all going to get the chance.'
nothing and the fat guy in the suit sprayed me in the face with a
long squirt of capsicum spray, I hadn't expected that and didn't have
time to close my eyes or move my head away. The sensation was intense
and almost overpowering, to say my eyes were irritated was the
understatement of the year, I wanted to jump up and scream, I didn't
all about you son, you killed your wife's three brothers! We know
that as a fact. And at your wedding you broke the nose of the
filmmaker who was doing the wedding video, you've got connections to
the Russian mafia, it's suspected that you were the mastermind behind
a break out of detainees, illegal immigrants, at Baxter Detention
Centre. We also know that on the staff of your detective agency is a
bikie dope peddler and we know that a terrorist Black Shirt was
present at your wedding and a member of the Brothers of Satan was
nothing, I had a plan, it was slowly crystalizing in my brain.
said the fat man.
crystalizing plan quickly disappeared out of my brain and this time I
was ready for Harry, when he hit me over the head with his sausage
filled with sand I didn't fall to the floor.
again and you're dead,' I said.
meant to say that, I had meant to be crystalizing my plan, but out it
came in a firm voice not angry but mean. The fat man was going to say
something but he stopped. Then he regained his composure.
he said once again.
the call to action. I pushed off with my feet, my chair had little
wheels on it, I crashed into Harry and slammed him into the wooden
door made from a tree cut down from the Indonesian rainforest. He,
Harry, banged his head, made a noise like 'Luth' and then crashed to
the floor. I stood up, I couldn't do much more than that, but what I
could do I did. The fat man came at me swinging his great fat fists,
I could duck and swerve and I did, the fat man had done exactly what
I needed him to do, come in close, I head butted him and he went
down, I was still standing. Somehow I got the straitjacket over my
head, I was probably helped by the fact that in Queensland they
obviously don't know how to fasten them properly, and I didn't need
to dislocate anything. The fat man regained his feet and set into me
with his fists and at the same time Harry began regaining his senses,
he unclipped his holster and let loose with his gun. The fat man
collapsed with two nicely drilled bullet holes in his fat belly. I
threw the straitjacket at Harry and while he was evading that I laid
into him knocking him cold.
the tricky bit. I took Harry's gun and took aim to shoot my shackles
to pieces. I have shot myself in the foot many times before in more
ways than one, I had to be spot on, I'm a good shot, but even so,
thoughts of limping around for the rest of my life didn't aid my
concentration but my aim was good and I was free to make a run for
it. First things first however, the fat man needed some attention. He
wasn't dead but he was bleeding badly, I tore his shirt to shreds and
made bandages and tied them tightly around his wounds using his suit
jacket to make pads to stop the bleeding. There was a phone on the
desk and I decided to ring for an ambulance.
Headquarters, a flat foot just shot a dick get an ambulance here
pronto,' I said and then slammed down the phone.
never get away with this,' said the fat man.
actually done anything to get away with,' I said.
a police officer in the lawful pursuit of his duties!'
up the sand bag and the fat man's eyes showed real fear.
tell it like it was, I have a newspaper friend,' I said.
up the straitjacket and Harry's gun.
keeping these as evidence.'
dead man, we'll shoot on sight,' said the fat man.
have to learn to shoot straight first.'
out of the room.
I found a
cleaner's trolley, put my bundle on that and wheeled it along the
corridor. The cleaner's trolley had a baseball cap on it, I put that
on my head, threw a towel over my shoulder and kept walking. I
stepped into a lift only to be met by a couple of cops.
one of them said to me.
going?' said the other.
I left the
lift on the ground floor, still wheeling my cleaners' trolley and as
I stepped out the sergeant at the counter growled at me.
need fucking cleaning.'
are,' I said.
pushing my trolley.
out into a police vehicle maintenance area, it was lovely and clean
for a garage. I lost the trolley, towel and the baseball cap but kept
my bits of evidence. I found a white coat, slipped it on and kept
walking. I came up to a police car.
needs a run around the block,' someone, possibly a mechanic, called
I got in
and started it up, the keys being very conveniently in the ignition.
I backed out of the shed and into the bright light of day, all I had
to do was turn the car around and go out through the entrance into
the big wide world. An ambulance could be heard, a man sitting in a
small box by the boom gate looked up at me as I stopped the car, the
man was talking on the phone, he stood up and looked me over so I
revved the car and crashed through the boom gate.
began wailing and police cars were tearing around all over the place,
it was unmitigated chaos as I sped along a wide boulevard that ran
alongside the beach. There were palm trees, miles of golden sand and
a blue sea, the blue was a blue that you only dream of, but I had no
time to dream about the colour blue, I had to get out of that place
if it was the last thing I ever did and pronto. I sped along avoiding
bikini clad cyclists, young men tootling around in beach buggies,
tourists cruising along at no miles an hour in oversized off road
vehicles and pedestrians who thought that the main road was a
pedestrian thoroughfare, not to mention small dogs, and boys who
thought they were pretty spunky on skate boards. I approached an
intersection, the traffic lights were against me, buses and small
environmentally friendly cars were hogging the road, in the mirror I
could see a police car speeding along behind me at a great rate of
knots, he had the advantage, everybody was getting out of his way. My
way was blocked but to the right were the wide double glass doors of
a shopping mall, I swerved and crashed through. Glass flew
everywhere, not to mention customers who flew in all directions
trying to avoid being run down by a rampant police car. I crashed
into a shopping trolley full of soda and precooked meals, the
precooked meals flew through the air with the soda fizzing over them.
It was an amazing sight. As I hurtled through that shopping mall
there were people who dodged me but there were others who just walked
in front of my car as if it wasn't there, I had to slam on the breaks
several times trying not to run people down. I know it was a shopping
mall, usually immune from careering autos, but you would think people
would look where they were going! I sped along, turned down another
wing of the mall and crashed into a stand selling pullets and young
chickens, their cages burst open and they made a dash for freedom,
there were flying chickens and feathers everywhere. I charged along,
avoided a little old lady in a wheelchair, but as I drove by she hit
my vehicle with her walking stick, then I came to another set of
glass doors, the inevitable happened, I crashed through and
unfortunately sent a policeman on a bicycle, who was trying to stop
me, flying through the air. I slammed on the brakes, dashed over to
him, he was out cold, propped him up and gave him the once over.